This interpersonal conflict happened during my 1st year in NUS.
I guess this so called "friendship" started during my first ever tutorial class in NUS. I didn’t know anyone from the class and my current pool of friends are quite limited. Therefore, prior to the class I told myself that I should make more friends. Hence, I entered the class and saw that there was only 1 girl in the room. I went forward and introduced myself to her. We sat together and chatted during the class (ok I was talking about work and the tutor, not random stuffs).
After tutorial we exchanged phone number, and we started talking. From the conversation I realised that she didn't know anyone in the same course as her, and she often sat alone. I told her that she could sit with me and my groups of friends if she didn't mind and she gladly accepted the offer. I introduced her to my friends, and we all sat together enjoying each other's company in lecture and tutorial. We became very close friends talking about nearly everything under the sun.
However, this lasted only up till the end of the semester. For the next semester, even though we still sat together, something was amiss; she no longer chatted and withdrew from me. I asked her why and she just replied: "nothing" for most of the time, and if I probed more, she would flare up and scold me. After a few months, she decided to go back to sitting alone. I didn't ask her why anymore as I feared that I would strain our relationship more.
Now, I no longer talk to her. I tried saying "hi" whenever I see her but she just ignores me. Up till now, I still have no idea what has happened, I can only think of a few possible causes.
One reason is that something may have happened in her family that caused her to withdraw. Another reason may be due to me being too close to her, she wasn't comfortable with it . The last reason that I can think of is that I have offended her in some ways without me knowing.
Right now, all I want is to keep this friendship, as she was the first new friend I know from NUS. Is there any way that I can keep this friendship? Is there a way that will help me to get her to open up? Also, right now I even have a problem trying to talk to her, can anything be done to solve this?
UCS1001 MME Tri2 2023-24 Dynamic Thinkers
2 weeks ago
hello Keldren,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your personal experience with us so frankly. Hmm it will indeed be very sad if your friendship will end like...Can i ask if anything unpleasant happened between you guys during the holiday to cause the girl to suddenly behave so coldly to you?
I think for a friendship to last, both persons involved must be willing to share but i also understand that there are somethings that we want to keep private. It is very difficult to find the right distance i feel because it's the line between 'showing concern' and 'being too nosy' can be very blurred sometimes.
If it is the first reason(family problems),I think it is best for you not to question her about it but tell her that you dont mind being a listening ear if she wants. If she rejects this I think you should just avoid this topic with her in the future and talks about happier/funnier things when you guys meet. If it's the second reason(she don't want to be closer friends with you), am afraid that there's not much you can do as frienships can't be forced. If it is the third one, then i think you can get a common friend of you and her to ask her if she was offended(by something you did)at appropriate times then react accordingly. If she was indeed angry at you then it's actually easier that am sure you will apologize to her. However, if not or in other words she just want to be alone(perhaps because she is depressed or stressed over some personal issues)then it's better to give her some space without totally ignoring her. By that i mean, continue to ask her for lunch or outings as per normal but whether she wants to attend will be her own decision. Try not to be upset at her ba.
Hmm it's really hard to solve a conflict with knowing the root cause. Anyway just hope things will work out fine soon!
Hey Jing Yang, thanks for your comment. As far as I remember nothing happened during the holidays. I only went out with her once during the holiday thats all. After that all contact was kept to online chat.
ReplyDeleteHi Keldren,
ReplyDeleteThis is tough especially when you are not aware of what really went wrong. No matter what but there is always a communication gap between guys and girls. Every time there is a misunderstand between a guy(s) and my female friends or me, the guy(s) are most often unaware as to what went wrong or what he did wrong.
Then when the guy asks "Whats wrong" it tends to make things worse, sort of showing his ignorance to my friend's feelings or mine. Yes we girls tend to get complicated :P
Thus, you can try the approach to apologize to her instead of ask her whats wrong.
Eg. "I'm really sorry if I had upset you. I know I have been quite blur about things. But, I hope you are well and fine...If you need any help let me know. Take care"
This way there is a higher probability that she will respond because you explain to her that you don't know what you did to upset her but you are sorry about it. From her reaction you will also be able to deduce to some extent what the problem was.
But, before jumping into solutions its best to ponder about some points and reasons.
During the online chats did you feel any change in her response, in the expression of her words. Did she try to avoid you by giving excuses? Even online chats can tend to cause misunderstandings (talking out of experience). This is because you cant see the person's expressions so she might be meaning something but saying something else.
Did she ever mention anything about her being in a relationship? Long distance maybe? One thing I've noticed in close friends is the distancing with others when they have problems with boy/girl friends sort of withdrawal symptom. In such a case its really hard to make them speak to you unless they want to.
Other possible reasons are the ones you have highlighted.
Another alternative solution is to give her
space but to keep an infrequent contact with her through online chats or messages.
Eg. if you are still taking common classes you can inform her about mid term dates. Try to keep it at a non-personal level.
When she realizes that you are making the effort to be friendly with her (even though she is avoiding you) then she will come out of the zone. However, this has its drawbacks she can take you for granted as well.
The best solution I can think of, is for you to approach someone who is close to her and you. Then he/she can find out what is bothering her and you can try to avoid it.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I hope my feedback made sense.
This is a compelling story, Keldren. You describe the history of your relationship quite well, though there are some instances where your verb tense use makes whether the scenario is past or present confusing.
ReplyDeleteYour post has generated lots of feedback. I'm leaving possible solutions to those blog group members.
Thank you for sharing this situation with us. I appreciate the honesty and self-reflection involved.
Hi Priya,thanks for your comments.
ReplyDeleteI guess she did become rather "cold" in online chat and when i got irritating by her standards, she will spout profanities at me. Really don't know what is going on. As far as relationship is concerned, she is single the last time i asked her.
I guess it may be the alternative reasons you suggested, I guess I will try it out. Thanks
Hi Brad,
ReplyDeleteSorry about the confusion, I am still working on my grammer even till now. Anyway thanks for reading.
Hi Keldren,
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late comment. I felt that you described the scenario very well as I was able to picture what was going through vividly in my mind.
I think either one of you should take the first step if you still want to keep this friendship. I agree with Priya's suggestion to make infrequent contacts lest she thinks that you are pestering her. By making infrequent contacts, at least she knows that you just want to be friends.
Hope that helps =)
Hi Keldren!
ReplyDeleteI think you described this scenario well with much details.
They always say women are from Venus, men are from Mars. I agree to a certain extent because I must admit that at times women are much more complicated.We think much more and thus may get angry with you over something that you totally have no idea about. If you tried to probe, it just makes us more angry. If you leave it alone, we think you don't care. So my main point is, this is rather a tough situation as you don't know whats wrong and what's shes thinking. Any action may just worsen things
The reason behind her actions is not known but the vibes I am getting is that at this point of time, she wants to keep a distance from you.
Male-female relationships are always complex thus we should always be careful not to do drastic actions. Thus, like what Priya and Jaenatte has mentioned, lesser contact would be good. Keep conversation within school related matters and see how it goes.
If you do want to show you are always ready to lend a listening ear, just tell her one time that anytime she needs someone, you are available. After which, you only contact her regarding school work.
I hope this suggestion will improve things between you two! :)