Post #3 : Correspondence Critique

I received the following email about a month ago. It was to promote some upcoming events organized by an organization in NUS. The email is as follow (names of the sender and society has been removed):

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Subject-FW: E week event

I am from Nus *********** Society. There are two events this week for FOE and SOC students from our society. Could you please help me to forward the email to your course students. Thank you very much.
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Enabling Entrepreneurship on the Web

e27 is proud to bring you "Enabling Entrepreurship on the Web"- an event focused on how you can make use of tools and services online to start your own company or bring your current business to new heights. Featuring speakers from Microsoft who will share their personal entrepreneurship experiences, and the resources available to help entrepreneurs create new age web companies.
Date & Time: Friday, 23 January 2009, 12:00 — 14:00
Location: SOC1 SR4 (level 6 room 12) (opposite Science)
Registration Deadline: Friday, 23 January 2009



An Entrepreneur's Path

Organization: Garag3
Speakers are specially invited to share their experiences on how to start, sustain and grow their business. Don't miss this event if you want some inspiration to start your own business.
Date & Time: Friday, 23 January 2009, 15:00 — 17:00
Location: E3-06-09 NUS Faculty of Engineering
Registration Deadline: Friday, 23 January 2009
Speakers are specially invited to share their experiences on how to start, sustain and grow their business. Don't miss this event if you want some inspiration to start your own business.
Date & Time: Friday, 23 January 2009, 15:00 — 17:00
Location: E3-06-09 NUS Faculty of Engineering
Registration Deadline: Friday, 23 January 2009

************
Hp: ********
Events Executive
The NUS ********** society
www.***.org.sg

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I guess the most obvious flaw to this email is that it is a forwarded email. To me using a forwarded email to get participation from people is very insincere. It lacks the "sincerity" that you would feel when someone approach you for a favour or something. I guess not much can be done as of now as all emails to different faculties have to go through higher authority before they can be decimated. I believe what the forwarder should at least do is to delete the request details at the top of the email. Thereafter, include a salutation and a brief description of the organized events by the organization; at the end of the email, include a proper closing such as "best regards, NAME".

Now for the detail of the email. First, the request email did not include a proper closing with it; Closing such as "yours sincerely" and

Now on the detail of the email. First of all there is a spelling mistake of entrepreneurship. Next the part on "the resources available to help entrepreneurs create new age web companies", is difficult to understand. Did they mean "resources" such as offices, capitals and manpower? Or did they mean grants and help in setting up a company? In addition, what is new age web companies? Most people will not have any idea what is that at all.

Next, there is no detail about how to register for the events. All is there is when and where will the event be held. If one is interested, how is he able to register for it.

Lastly, there is repeated details on the 2nd event. This will result in confusion when reading the email.

In conclusion, this email has not take into consideration the 7Cs of writing when it was written.